This semester has been ridiculous. My mother passed away about a month ago, on April 17th, 2009. It was completely unexpected and I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that she's not here. She lived in Las Vegas with my stepdad and his sister, but we brought her back home to Pennsylvania to be buried next to her grandmother, whom she loved dearly growing up. It was really easy knowing what my mother wanted and to honor her life many people showed their support and sympathy for our family. I'm not bitter or angry, I just want to live the life she wanted me to live.
I know she loved me more than anything and was proud of who I am and who I'm becoming. As soon as I found out the news I flew out to Las Vegas to be with my stepdad, aunt and step brothers, it was really rough for all of us but it was most important that we were together. I was in this state of shock that just made my head clear on what needed to be done, and I took control. I didn't really stop to think for myself i just did things. I had never even been to a funeral before but I made all of the arrangements I could including detailed updates for my family back in Pennsylvania that were waiting. The services were beautiful and eventually I broke down, and it hasn't been the last time. I learned a lot about my mother that I didn't know by talking to the people whose lives she touched along her way. It was one of the hardest things to say good bye to my stepdad and brothers when they went back to Las Vegas after it was all over. I love them so much, we're all suffering now but the memories of my wonderful mother will stay much longer than the pain.
I took a couple more days, one at grandma's house and one at my dad's house but I had to get out of the house before my parents went back to work. I didn't want to be alone. I went back to my university, not knowing whether i'd stay or not, I just had one mission, I decided to take things one step at a time: sign the housing contract, so I'd have a dorm room next semester. I was lucky in that God provided a roommate for me in the upper class men dorms, I had avoided making arrangements because of all of the stress but it just worked out. My friend Jisoo, who was one of the girls with me when I found out about my mom, called me and walked over to the student services office with me to see Kelley and sign the contract. I walked upstairs and saw one of the guidance counselors and a professor - people I know well - talking. They stood up and gave me that look of sympathy and asked me how i was and gave me a hug...I thought i was good, i said "ok" and tried to be strong. Kelley was on the phone so I had to wait but in the meantime almost every person in that office passed me by and stopped to see how i was - by the time I got to Kelley she hugged me and I couldn't talk or tears would fall. I just signed and got out of there...joking with my friend on the way out, but she didn't laugh, she knew I was trying to be strong. It was like everyone expected me to just get back into things right away - since I was there I must have been ready they thought...Maybe I thought it. I didn't know what I needed so I just did it. I went to classes and most of my professors told me to just take it easy and not worry about class, except one professor. I walked to class and everyone was starting a test on the material i missed during the funeral. I asked to talk to the professor and asked him if he got the notice from the school about why i missed. He said yes and he was sorry, but then he said "you can take both this test you're missing today and the cumulative final next Thursday during the final period." I looked at him like it was impossible; i missed a week the month before because my mom was in the hospital and I got a D on the test I took when I returned - he wasn't any help then either. I found out that my roommate went to him to see if he got the email about my mother's death and he said "yea it must be really hard with 2 deaths in the family" WHAT?! He thought the reason I was gone the first time was a death?? did he not listen? and he was a jerk then! I couldn't expect anything different. After fretting over how I was going to fail this class I eventually let my roommate convince me to take the class as an incomplete. I insisted to him that I have until next semester to take those tests, and he shrugged with an "okay but I don't know anything about that you have to do all the paper work." AHHH he was such a jerk, I am so glad I got that off my chest, at least until next semester. I ended up doing well in my other classes however.
All semester I had been preparing for the mission trip to Argentina. I went last year and I wanted to go again. Dad told me he wouldn't help me with it so I kept it a secret from him so he wouldn't feel pressured to pay for the trip, and I set up a payment plan with the university because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough money. After the funeral I decided that going to Argentina would be the best thing for me. The trip was to an orphanage, and I could now relate in that I lost a parent, I hoped to help some children, make someone smile and get the same in return. I went and it was amazing. They all remembered me and I could just start my relationships where they left off, I didn't have to work on gaining their trust again. After I gave a testimony that included the story of my mother, one girl opened up to me about how she has been since her mother died and how she feels like she needs to take care of everything. I think I helped her, and if that was all I did that would have been worth the $1600 trip.
This mission trip is so personal, it's about giving love to these orphans that they don't get regularly, and about listening to them. Thankfully my Spanish came back to my head once I got there - now I need to keep practicing both Korean and Spanish so I can stay sharp...who knows where God will send me after I graduate in December.
It's Thursday May 21st and I'm sitting in my room taking a break from packing/cleaning my room. Yesterday I went to my mom's grave, planted some flowers. I also got some information on getting a headstone and visited my grandparents. I got a serious cold the last day i was in Argentina, so I didn't stay there very long - the last thing i want to do is get my grandparents sick. This weekend I'm going to go with my dad and stepmom camping. It's not that exciting of a place but it'll be much needed time together and it'll make my dad happy to do something with me - plus I'm jobless and he'll be paying for my food and such haha. I quit my job near school because it's summertime and I moved out of my dorm. My best friend lives in Florida and just graduated from her undergrad program. She's been begging me to visit her and live with her during a summer, so I'm finally doing it. She's flying up here and next wednesday we'll drive my car down to florida together. I'll be there as long as I'm welcome, try to find a job so I can pay some bills, visit my stepfather's family that lives in FL, and just have a good time with my best friend.
I guess I'll go continue to pack, I've been typing for quite a while. Tonight is our weekly wing night with my dad, step mom, aunt and uncle at a local bar; it should be an interesting night.
I've been getting close to that group of friends I've had back in Freshman year but it's more fun this time. I DO MISS my friends that graduated last year, especially IBA friends Natalie and Laura. Plans are in the making to visit Laura...and to meet an old Korean friend in NYC -- have to use that little money I earn working my butt off somewhere fun. Plus in NYC I'll see some family and other friends. Love my life. 
